L’s beloved auntie was lying on the bed, supported only by an air compressor unit that helps her breathe her last breaths. Every breath she took was accompanied by a loud gasp. People have come to see her last moments, quietly anticipating her passing without anything that we can do to make it less painful for everyone.
There wasn’t even a twitch in my heart. No pain. No grieve. Auntie is L’s very close relative, even closer to her than to her mother. I should share the burden and feel at least sad. But I think I didn’t. I considered the fact that I wasn’t close to her, nor did I see her that often enough to develop feelings for her. But these are not good enough reasons to explain the void in me.
It was very clear to me, and it is still clear now, that I was totally rational and zero emotional. Every reason to mourn was countered based on practical grounds, and I begin to wonder how it is possible to be upset over such an event when there are not logical reasons to feel this way.
I looked closely at auntie and started to imagine my mother in her position. No sadness. I imagine L lying there waiting to go. No sadness as well. I think I’ve leveled up.